CrazyPeopleTalker

Dog Bites

2008-10-17T14:26:00.002-05:00

Every now and then, I get a call about a dog bite, and I usually just pass them along to a local Personal Injury attorney with relatively few questions asked.

Most of these people are obvious gold diggers i.e. they weren't actually hurt (nothing a bandaid couldn't fix) and didn't go to the hospital. Nonetheless, they still want to sue for a million dollars because their neighbor's Bischon got out and bit their kid's ankle. Sorry lady, your kid was probably annoying the crap out of the dog and it bit him so it could be left alone. If your neighbor's unfenced pitbull brutally ripped your child's face off, thats another story...

Anyways, I got a dog bite call a few weeks ago that was really special though. It went something like this:

Lady: "I got bit by a dog and I want to sue."

Me: "OK...can you describe the situation briefly?"

Lady: "I was at the Humane Society looking for a dog to adopt, and one of the ones I was looking at bit me on my lip. Can I sue them for that?"

Buzz Words

2008-09-30T14:30:00.009-05:00

As I have chronicled before, it will astonish you what things some people think our legal system can accomplish for them. Maybe these people have watched too much Judge Judy or something, but sometimes I seriously cannot believe what people want "the law" to do.

My favorite are the people who think that if they just say the right things, they can suddenly win gazillions of dollars in court. The best one of these is the idea of "pain and suffering." Now, I fully understand that in some serious cases (say, like when your OBGYN is lazy and refuses to c-section your child, allowing it to essentially rot in the womb and causing severe brain damage...true case) you should be compensated greatly for all the "pain and suffering" caused. You can not, however (to my knowledge), sue your landlord for "pain and suffering" because he is lazy about fixing a leaky faucet (I get this all the time). I'm also pretty sure you can't sue the 9 year-old bully in your 3rd grader's class for "pain and suffering" because he is mean to your kid. Take it up with your PTA, lady.

Really though, the best phrase that gets into people's heads (and is directly related to the notion of "pain and suffering") , is that of "panic attacks." Examples include:

"I ate a burger at Wendy's that had a bug in it. I now have panic attacks. I want to sue."

"I slipped and fell in a puddle at Walmart...no, I wasn't injured...well yes, it had been raining, but I now have PANIC ATTACKS because it happened in front of my friends and I was really embarassed, and I want to sue."

"I caint get my Homeowner's Association to let me put a shed up thar in my backyard, and it's been such a stressful experience I now have panic attacks when I see my neighbors, and I wanna sue 'em for pain and suffering."

In EVERY SINGLE instance I have EVER heard a caller mention "panic attacks", these "attacks" are not medically documented. Maybe these people need to watch more Law and Order instead of Judge Judy, but I'm pretty certain that Joe Schmoe cannot walk into a court room, say he has "panic attacks", and get compensated without some sort of...what do they call it...Proof? Evidence? I dunno...

Just...Wow

2008-09-29T11:36:00.006-05:00

Sometimes, when people call me, the connection is bad and I can barely hear them. In our age of cellphones, this is not new to anyone. One thing that always makes me laugh in these situations is when the caller says "your phone is bad", as if it is my land-line and not their cheap cell phone that is messing up the signal. Oh well.

Anyway, I just got a call from a woman, and I could BARELY hear her, and I mean barely. The line wasn't static-y, her voice was just very, very faint. I turned the volume on my receiver all the way up to 10 (and I usually keep it on 1), and could still hardly make out anything she was saying. I kept telling her to speak up, practically yelling myself. After about 30 seconds of this, and thinking I would have to hang up on her because the signal was so weak, her voice all of a sudden came through incredible loud, loud enough to startle the crap out of me and sort of hurt my ear.

Caller: "Aw shoot honey, I'm sorry, I had the phone on upside down."

Incredible.

A Truely Scary Moment

2008-03-31T15:13:00.002-05:00

About a month ago, I got a call from a man who identified himself as "Mr. Davis." He told me he needed an insurance attorney to help him with some sort of fraud matter, and I began to take down his information. It started out just like any other call...then things got weird.

First off, he would not give me his first name or his address. He then told me that his phones were tapped, and that "agents" were currently listening in and watching his every move. He got even more paranoid, and started demanding that I give him "proof" that I was who I said I was (working for the Bar Association). Attempts to assure him I was an employee of the Bar were ignored. By this point, I knew he was crazy and I was calmly trying to figure out a way to get him off the phone. I told him several times that I could not be of any assistance to him and tried to get him off the phone but he just continued ranting, and I had to hang up on him.

Anyway, about an hour later, he showed up at our office, and started yelling at the receptionist and another coworker who was up front, demanding to see me and speak to me in person. Now, I never give out my last name for safety reasons, but he knew my first name and was ranting on and on about how he HAD to see me in person because he needed a GUARANTEE that I was who I claimed to be on the phone.

Luckily, our receptionist has a little buzzer under her desk for this very purpose, and the cops quickly came and escorted him out of the building. All in all though, a pretty scary moment.

Its all just a big cover-up

2008-01-28T14:52:00.000-06:00

One thing I have discovered about crazy people is that they LOVE conspiracy theories and cover-ups. While I am no psychologist, I'm sure that most would tell you that this is some sort of classic symptom of mental illness or schizophrenia or whatever. I've had callers say that the FBI was following them, the government implanted listening devices in their heads, etc.

This guy called me today, and after mis-spelling his first name (seriously, I had to correct him...on his own name...which was Charles), proceeded to tell me how the hospital had given him some sort of medication which caused a seizure when he got home. He had to call the ambulance, and according to him, the EMTs "Covered up the hospital's mistake by washing out my blood with saline."

Me: "Um, you mean they gave you an IV in the ambulance? Isn't that pretty standard?"

Guy: "No no no, your not getting what I'm saying. It was a COVER UP? GET IT? A COVER UP! The ambulance-peeople was in cahoots with the hospital, covering up for their bad medicine. Get it? They washed out my system with saline to get rid of the evidence!!"

He nearly had me convinced...

How am I supposed to take you seriously?

2008-01-25T09:25:00.001-06:00

In addition to all the calls, I get a lot of email requests for referrals. Usually, they are a little less crazy than the calls (I mean, they have to have a computer and computer skills to email me...right?), but occasionally they are pretty bizarre. Every day, I get at least one email that is IN ALL CAPS AS IF I AM GOING TO PAY MORE ATTENTION BECAUSE THIS ASSHAT HAS DECIDED TO TYPE WITH THE CAPS LOCK ON.

I also sometimes have to wonder how people think I (or an attorney) am going to take them seriously when their return email is something like BigBootayMamma6969@yahoo.com.

I once got an email from a guy busted for marijuana posession, and his email was something like StonerGuy420@gmail or something retarded like that. C'mon people.

Maybe I'm Just an Asshole

2007-12-13T11:02:00.000-06:00

I remember the first day I ever worked here, over a year ago, I cried.

Well, I didn't exactly break down and start sobbing, but I did get a little teary-eyed. I remember it came from reading a letter from a guy wanting a lawyer (it actually might have been the scroll guy from a previous post), and in the letter he detailed all the heartbreak and sorrow experienced from trying to get custody of his children. He was broke, nearly homeless, and all he wanted was to get his kids back. On my first day, I found this incredibly moving and sad, and I really wanted to help this man.

Now, things have changed. I have become hardened. I don't really care about people's problems anymore. Basically, I have become an asshole.

I remember back when I was training for this job, and I was struck by how curt my predecessor was on the phone. In person she was quite sweet, but on the referral phones she was bitchy and sometimes even mean. While I try my best to be kind to the people who call in, I have realized recently that I have become that way as well.

At this point, I more or less do not care about the callers' problems. I have heard it all before, and when people plead with me, saying no one will help them and why can't I, I simply tell them that there is nothing I can do, and then I hang up on them.

Baseball Bat Man

2007-12-05T11:18:00.000-06:00

I once got a call from a nurse at the State Mental Health Hospital, who explained to me that she had a patient who was trying to obtain legal representation. To my dismay, she then put me on hold for several minutes, presumably to get the guy out of his straitjacket/padded cell/whatever. Since my phone rings off the hook literally all day long, and most of the people I talk to have been on hold for a long time, I suppose I got a little bit of my own medicine, but I was pissed anyway.

At the time, I had never received any calls from the loony bin (I have since gotten many), and this being my inaugural experience, I started to worry while I was on hold: Who in the world would this guy be? How crazy would he be? What was his problem? My mind was racing...

My concerns were immediately alleviated when the phone clicked over, and I found myself talking to the nicest, sweetest old man I have ever spoken with. His voice immediately reminded me of my grandfather (calm, gentle, very southern). I was in immediate shock...how in the world could this guy be locked away in a mental institution? He was too normal-sounding. He appeared to be a million times more sane than everyone else who had ever called before. What in the world was this guy's deal? I proceeded to listen to his story intently...

Turns out this guy was from some hick town I had never heard of, and he had been tried and convicted of murdering his neighbor, but he was completely innocent (aren't they all). He proceeded to tell me that he lived at the end of a quiet, dead end street, and that one night his next-door neighbor had been bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat. He went on to say that it was his bat that was found at the crime scene covered in blood, but he had accidentally carried it over to his neighbor's the previous day when he had gone over to help chop wood.

I have to interject here and say that, despite the fact this guy was calling from the insane asylum, and despite the fact that he had already been tried and convicted of murder, I completely believed him simply because of how he sounded and the nature in which he described himself. It was as if Andy Griffith had called me and said he had been jailed for murder. I couldn't not believe this guy, simply because of his candor.

Then, things got weird.

Old Man: "And son, lemme tell you. Do you know how they knew it was my baseball bat."

Me: "No sir, I do not."

Old Man: "Lemme tell you something son, I've had that ol' baseball bat for thirty-six years, and it has my Social Security number carved into the handle, and THAT is how they new it was mine. THEY TRACED IT BACK TO ME BECAUSE MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WAS CARVED INTO THE HANDLE. I HAVE HAD THAT BAT FOR THIRTY SIX YEARS..."

Um, what?

Bill Gates

2007-11-01T09:34:00.000-05:00

I can usually tell within the first 5 seconds of talking with someone what kind of caller they are going to be. This lady just called me about 2 minutes ago, and I could immediately tell that there was something seriously wrong with her. I don't know if there is some sort of neuron connection between crazy people and their style of speech (could possibly be their medications?), but her voice alone instantly screamed "insane" to me. The truly insane all have a similar timbre in their voices I swear...

Anyway, this woman was obviously confused, and she proceeded to tell me about how her daughter was impersonating her and her name had somehow been changed in Washington D.C. by the federal "governments" (I had previously thought there was only one). Anyway, I decided to refer her to one of my nicest lawyers who might have been able to assist her, and I started taking down her information.

It was quite a struggle to get down her name, since she apparently was very confused as to what her actual/legal name was. When I asked for her address and telephone number, she told me she was currently homeless and living in a motel. It was then I suggested that she contact the Pro Bono office, since she would most likely not be able to afford an attorney. That's when things got weird:

Me: "Why don't you call the Pro Bono office? They provide people with low income with free legal representation. Their number is..."

Lady: (cutting me off) "I don't need no free legal. I want a good lawyer. Bill Gates will pay for it."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Lady: "You know, Bill Gates, of Microsoft? He'll pay for my lawyer."

Me: "Um, what?"

Lady: "I just talked with Bill Gates, of Microsoft. Don't you know who that is? He told me he'd pay for my lawyer."

I then basically had to strong-arm this woman into taking down the Pro Bono number. Then I laughed. Hard.

Another Rant

2007-10-31T15:08:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me how many people call me, and while in the process of taking down their information in order to provide a referral, they state that they do not know their own telephone numbers. Now, I realize that sometimes someone may have just moved, or might have just gotten a new phone and therefore their number is not on the tip of their tongue. This is (somewhat) understandable. Other times, the people that call are too poor and/or homeless and simply do not have the means to a phone and are therefore calling from a payphone. This, I also understand. However, I cannot believe how often people tell me:

"Well shoot, I never call myself...how am I supposed to know my phone number?"

Are these people serious? Are they just lazy, or are they actually that stupid? Unfortunately, I have been lead to believe that the answer is the latter. Without trying to sound conceited, I realize that I am probably better educated (and probably more intelligent) than most of the people I talk to, but I have encountered levels of ignorance and sheer stupidity with this job that I could have never fathomed before. This city (and the world) is a lot bigger than I had previously known, and working here has truly made me realize how many morons there are out there.

Honestly, how hard is it to take down the 7-digit phone number? Most people I know could do it in about 5 seconds. Now I understand that there are plenty of people out there who are disabled and it may take them a long time to write something down and I can be very patient, but I have had callers where it has literally taken me 5 minutes of spelling, pausing, going slower, checking, etc. to ensure that they have, in fact, written down the information I am trying to give them. I am routinely asked to spell out extremely simple words/names such as "Smith" and "Thompson" or "Legal" and "Aid." Have these people seriously fallen far enough between the cracks in our society that they are unable to spell...at all?

I also get about one caller a week who when I ask them to write something down, they tell me they are illiterate and are unable to do so. Now, I know that there are plenty of people out there who can not read very well at all, and are considered "functionally illiterate" or whatever, but I never really thought there were people in this country who are genuinely unable to write down a name and phone number at all, even when slowly and paitently spelled out. These people seriously do not know their numbers or their ABCs!!! Again, I have no way of being able to tell how serious these people are in their claims. I mean, after all, if they were able to pick up the phone and call me, they must have some simple grasp of numbers, right? Maybe not. Who knows...

I hope this was some kind of joke.

2007-10-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, a woman called me and requested a personal injury attorney. When I asked her to provide a little more information about her case, I had to try really hard not to laugh/cry/yell/hang up on her.

Turns out the woman wanted to sue McDonald's (I get about 1 call a week from someone wanting to sue them), because her hand was burned by their coffee. That's right, her HAND WAS BURNED BY THEIR COFFEE!!!

While trying not to tell this woman she was a complete and total idiot, I informed her that this case had already been tried (and won) about 10 years ago, and that McDonald's has since gone to great lengths to inform customers as to the temperature of their coffee (it is HOT! it can BURN you!), to avoid further legal troubles.

When I told her that I knew for a fact that all McDonald's coffee cups were covered in warnings, she responded:

Woman: "Not on my cup."

Me: "Well, do you still have this anomalous cup?"

Woman: "Nope. Threw it out."

Me: "Are we just supposed to believe you on this one?"

*click*

The Avocado Man

2007-10-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

After several requests from friends, I have decided to write about the caller known as "The Avocado Man." This call actually happened several months ago, but was too good for me not to try and relate now:

My phone rang one morning (it actually rings all day, but I don't always answer it immediately), and an older, redneckish man explained to me that he had been dining in a local restaurant, and had had an allergic reaction to the food. He went on to explain that he has a severe avocado allergy (enough to require hospitalization), and the meal he had eaten had contained avocados, but that ingredient was not listed in the menu. He had to be rushed to the hospital from the restaurant (he did not have an epi-pen on him at the time), and ended up having to be admitted overnight for observation.

When he told me all this, I was actually starting to get pretty excited. It seemed to me at the time that this guy had a completely legitimate case and he might be able to have a descent lawsuit or settlement (which would mean a sizable fee for my agency).

Nothing in this job, however, is what it first seems.

As I was trying to hide my excitement for actually making a GOOD referral for once, the man went on to say:

"Well, the menu at the restaurant did say that the salad I ate had guacamole on it, but I didn't know that guacamole had avocados in it. I wanna sue them for my hospital bills and pain and suffering and yada yada yada."

I almost started screaming at him over the phone. How in the world could you possibly claim you don't know that guacamole contains avocados when you have a SEVERE AVOCADO ALLERGY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

My only hope is that he was just some deadbeat liar vainly trying to grasp sort of lawsuit. In fact, I have to try and believe this, because if there are actually people out there as dumb as this guy was claiming to be, I would seriously worry for the fate of our world.

Jail Mail Followup....

2007-10-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

OK, so the guy I posted about last time who wrote a letter to my agency addressed to "Mr. Darrell Washington" has since written me at least 3 other letters, all still addressed to Mr. Washington. These letters all contain various types of "evidence" for this person's case, but even after looking through all the various exhibits, I still have no idea what this guy is talking about or what he needs. The letter I received today contains about 15 pages of phone records with various calls highlighted, and absolutely nothing else. I am afraid that this guy is confused and thinks he is sending information to his attorney. Who knows...

Jail Mail

2007-10-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

Every week, I get at least one letter from an inmate (sometimes a lot more). 99% of these letters are about false imprisonment or being beaten by prison guards. Although I always make referrals for these requests, to my knowledge not a single one has actually turned into anything.

Often, the misspellings/handwriting/composition of these letters is pretty bizarre, the best example being an inmate who wrote me an 8 page letter about how his civil rights were being violated in prison (prisoners have civil rights?), but somehow decided the best format for his letter would be to tape the ends of all the pages together so it unfolded like a gigantic scroll. I literally had to pull out the scissors and cut every piece just to get it into a manageable/readable format.

Another highlight was the group of prisoners who wrote me a letter wanting to hire a lawyer to help them regain their afternoon television privileges so they could watch "Maury" (seriously). This is undoubtedly the first time in recorded history that the term "civil rights" has been applied to the Maury Povich Show.

The letter I just got, however, may take the cake. While the address on the front of the envelope is correct, the recipient's name is Mr. Darrell Washington. After checking with some co-workers, I have confirmed that no one named Darrell Washington has ever worked in this office. Once I opened the letter, the first sentence reads:

"It's always a blessing to know that God still has angels left on Earth that love and cares about others in this world of sin."

This is never a good sign.

Furthermore, the inside of the letter (the actual letter itself) is addressed to this guy:

http://www.michaelbaisden.com/

WTF???????????????

Odd Requests

2007-10-11T14:00:00.001-05:00

Every now and then, I get a client who wants a specific type of attorney, and I'm not talking about specific practice areas (I always do that...duh).

While it is perfectly understandable that say, a woman in an abusive domestic relationship would prefer a female attorney to handle her divorce, or someone who speaks little English to want a Spanish-speaking lawyer, I am not at liberty to refer someone to a Jewish lawyer because "the jews make better lawyers" or an Asian lawyer because "they are smarter" (both were actual requests).

I got one woman once who, after talking with her on the phone for several minutes and taking all of her personal information, requested an attorney who spoke Kanuri, some weird African language, because "her English wasn't too good." Bear in mind that this woman spoke perfect, un-accented English.

The best request I have ever gotten, though, has got to be this guy:

Redneck: "Do y'alls gots any law-yeers who handle lawsuits?"

Me: "Hmmm, let me see what we can do for you, sir..."

And a merry Christmas to you, sir...

2007-10-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

Just got off the phone with a CRAZY ass man who was ranting and raving about how he ate "tainted peanut butter" from Walmart and got really sick. This is nothing new.

Every time there is a major recall of any product, I naturally get a shitload of calls from people who most likely have never even used said product, but think they are clever enough to jump on some sort of class-action bandwagon. Oxycontin, Vioxx, pet food, e-coli infested burger patties, toys with lead paint, etc. I have heard it all.

Now I had to chuckle just a little bit at this guy who just called because, well, he said he bought the peanut butter last week and now is sick. To my knowledge, Walmart pulled all their "tainted" peanut butter back in February of this year, but what the hell, I referred the guy anyway.

After I gave him the name and number of a local attorney (with great difficulty b/c it was hard to get him to shut up and listen to me), he said:

"Thank you very much sir. You are such a kind soul. You have yourself a merry Christmas, and a Happy New year."

It is October 11th.

Um, do you mean Pro Bono?

2007-10-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

Lady: "Hey, I wants me one of those Pro Boner law-yeers that's free."

Me: "Um, do you mean Pro Bono?"

Lady: "Yeah, that's what I said, a Pro Boner law-yeer. You know, the free ones."

After trying not to laugh at her, I gave her the number to the local Pro Bono office.

I can't make this shit up.

Divorce for the Poor?

2007-10-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

A lot of the calls I get are from indigent people. Often these people are homeless or living in a shelter, others live in crappy motels, etc. Unfortunately, there really is not too much I (or my lawyers) are able to do for these people. Although there are services such as Legal Aid and Pro Bono that provide free legal help, they not only are constantly overwhelmed, but also only handle specific areas of law. For example, neither Legal Aid or Pro Bono handles divorce cases, except in domestic violence situations. There are also, of course, millions of people in this country who live paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no savings whatsoever, and could never afford even the cheapest of attorneys. With the number of broken marriages in this country, this leads to a very difficult situation: how do poor people get a divorce?

The sad reality is that, in the U.S., there really is no easy way for poor people to get divorced. Anyone with $25 can go to the courthouse and get married, but getting divorced is a much more difficult process. I cannot count the number of times I have gotten a call from a client who has not seen their spouse in years because they were too poor to get divorced, but now REALLY need to get divorced because they have met someone else and want to get married again.

All of these calls have led me to believe that govermnent must either create an easier, cheaper way to get divorced, or make the process of getting married complicated and expensive. I'm not really sure which is the better option...

Lung Cancer Lady

2007-10-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

In the future, I may try to re-hash a bunch of the good calls I have gotten in the past year, but for now I am going to stick to the present. As you all can probably imagine, I get a lot of calls about medical malpractice and personal injury.

Everyone out there wants to make an easy buck, and for a lot of people, they think their easiest way to riches is to sue someone, usually their doctor, for a mountain of cash. Unfortunatly, most people do not realize that something like .00002% of medical malpractice claims result in settlement, let alone trial. Doctors are not miracle workers; they cannot always solve someone's problems. They are also, like everyone else, allowed to make a mistake or two along the way. Anyways, onto today's call, which isnt really about medical malpractice but thats what she thought she needed:

Lady: "Hi, my name is blah blah blah, and I have lung cancer, and I want a medical malpractice attorney."

Me: "OK sure, no problem, can you describe the situation for me please?"

Lady: "Well, I have been diagnosed with lung cancer, and I want to sue Big Tobacco."

Me: "Um, are/were you a smoker?"

Lady: "No."

Me: "Were you exposed to excessive amounts of secondhand smoke due to your spouse, workplace, etc.?"

Lady: "No. But I want to sue Big Tobacco for giving me lung cancer!!"

Me: "Um, did your doctor say you got lung cancer from any form of tobacco exposure?"

Lady: "No, but how else would I have gotten lung cancer?!?! I want to SUE BIG TOBACCO!!!"

Me: "Isn't it possible you got lung cancer some other way?"

Lady: "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!!" *click*

wow.

The worst part about this job

2007-10-02T14:46:00.001-05:00

I've decided that for my inagural post, I am going to talk about the worst aspect of my job: the fact that I am NOT a lawyer. As I am sure I will chronicle in later posts, I get a lot of interesting/ crazy/angry/upset/etc. people on the other end of the line, and I hate not being able to give them legal advice. After growing up in a family full of attorneys and working here at the Bar for a year, I have learned a lot about the law, and even though I often know the answer or solution to a caller's problem, I am not allowed to give them any legal advice. To do so would actually be illegal, and that sucks. Every day, I get one (or a dozen) calls from some idiot who wants to sue the government or something for 100 billion dollars for all the "grief and suffering" (more on that later) incurred on them from a parking ticket, and I am unable to tell them to fuck off. Instead, I have to give this shithead the name and number of an attorney on my list (they are generally good sports about receiving shitty referrals) so that the lawyer, the one with the J.D., can tell this turd to go to hell. If this job paid anything beyond shit, I might actually consider returning after I go to lawschool just so I can get the satisfaction of telling these individuals off myself.